What do you do when you give up?
You give up trying to accomplish anything because you just can't see the point.
You just can't figure out what you're doing so why try and get out of bed. 1/26/2006 09:17:00 PM
You give up trying to accomplish anything because you just can't see the point.
You just can't figure out what you're doing so why try and get out of bed. 1/26/2006 09:17:00 PM
I've been having a couple of "why me" days. You know the kind. Why aren't I smarter, or prettier, or fitter, or happier, or loved more, etc, etc, etc?
I've been thinking about him a lot in the past couple of days ever since something I sent him came back to me in the mail. It was strange and surreal. No return to sender on it, no post office date stamps. It was like it was never sent. I'm trying not to read so much into why it came back to me and what lessons the universe is trying to teach me. I want to ask him why again but know he'll just give me the "just accept it speech" when accepting it is not what it's about. It's about understanding when, in his words, "it worked when we were together".
I've been blaming myself for what happened and kept thinking about all the what if's. I came to the realisation that it wasn't me. I did everything I could to give this a fair chance. If the problem was me being unattractive then he would have just rejected me in person. If it was we didn't get along then we obviously wouldn't have got along as well as we did. I don't want to blame him because I know sometimes relationships just don't work; sometimes people just don't click. We did click though.
The only explanation I can put it down to is him. The only reason I ever got was he wouldn't be comfortable with me around his friends and I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Maybe it's that I don't like to have drunken binges every time I meet with friends (or ever in that fact. why do that to yourself?). Maybe it's I can appear a little uptight at first when in fact it's just nerves and it takes a little while for me to unwind. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. You see, this is what I'm sick of these questions without answers.
We all have to grow up sometime. We all have to mature and realise that the world's not always going to be fun. We have to realist we need to put the hard work in to make things work and it's not just going to magically happen by itself.
I'm not bitter. I know it's his problem not mine. We all have faults but we have to learn to deal with them instead of running from things.
I think perhaps that's the problem. We're all taught from a young age about perfection. From our parents who tell us not to bring dirt into the house to the media who bombard us with pictures of perfect bodies and quick fix ways of getting that way; movies where the ugly ducklings turn into beautiful swans, or those who are fatally flawed are flawed in such a way they're stunning. When we become face to face with these imperfections we tend to run from them. What other choice do we have, to work at them to fix them? Ah that's too much work. We hate our bodies so we comfort eat (or become so obsessed we burn ourselves out with over exercising). We hate our jobs so we quit instead of facing the reasons why we're unhappy. We have relationships with people and decide they don't fit some childhood fantasy of our perfect partner.
Yes, perhaps this is all rambling and doesn't make any sense and is all incoherent but to me it makes sense. 1/24/2006 05:13:00 PM
I've been thinking about him a lot in the past couple of days ever since something I sent him came back to me in the mail. It was strange and surreal. No return to sender on it, no post office date stamps. It was like it was never sent. I'm trying not to read so much into why it came back to me and what lessons the universe is trying to teach me. I want to ask him why again but know he'll just give me the "just accept it speech" when accepting it is not what it's about. It's about understanding when, in his words, "it worked when we were together".
I've been blaming myself for what happened and kept thinking about all the what if's. I came to the realisation that it wasn't me. I did everything I could to give this a fair chance. If the problem was me being unattractive then he would have just rejected me in person. If it was we didn't get along then we obviously wouldn't have got along as well as we did. I don't want to blame him because I know sometimes relationships just don't work; sometimes people just don't click. We did click though.
The only explanation I can put it down to is him. The only reason I ever got was he wouldn't be comfortable with me around his friends and I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Maybe it's that I don't like to have drunken binges every time I meet with friends (or ever in that fact. why do that to yourself?). Maybe it's I can appear a little uptight at first when in fact it's just nerves and it takes a little while for me to unwind. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. You see, this is what I'm sick of these questions without answers.
We all have to grow up sometime. We all have to mature and realise that the world's not always going to be fun. We have to realist we need to put the hard work in to make things work and it's not just going to magically happen by itself.
I'm not bitter. I know it's his problem not mine. We all have faults but we have to learn to deal with them instead of running from things.
I think perhaps that's the problem. We're all taught from a young age about perfection. From our parents who tell us not to bring dirt into the house to the media who bombard us with pictures of perfect bodies and quick fix ways of getting that way; movies where the ugly ducklings turn into beautiful swans, or those who are fatally flawed are flawed in such a way they're stunning. When we become face to face with these imperfections we tend to run from them. What other choice do we have, to work at them to fix them? Ah that's too much work. We hate our bodies so we comfort eat (or become so obsessed we burn ourselves out with over exercising). We hate our jobs so we quit instead of facing the reasons why we're unhappy. We have relationships with people and decide they don't fit some childhood fantasy of our perfect partner.
Yes, perhaps this is all rambling and doesn't make any sense and is all incoherent but to me it makes sense. 1/24/2006 05:13:00 PM
So tomorrow I turn 25. It's kinda cool having a week between New Year's Day and my Birthday because it gives me a chance to analyse and plan for the coming year. It's like a bumper zone for adjustments.
For some this birthday may seem young, or old, but to me it's just right. For me it seems big this year for some reason. Bigger than 18 or 21. It's a turning point. A chance to outgrown this stiffness and imprisionment I've engrossed myself in.
So with this turning point comes a time of letting go. Of not looking back on the past as missed opportunities and wasted time and unused energies. It's a time to turn my life around and nothing is more exciting. It's a time to stop regretting everything and just accepting what has happened as what has happened and it has made me who I am.
With this I'm letting go of a lot of shit and not moping about things I needn't to.
Things I have learned from him:
It's okay to indulge my inner dork. I love all those scientific mags (my latest indulgement is Cosmos..not not Cosmo but Cosmos).
It's okay to let go of things that have happened in the past. My naivity is not what caused all the problems.
There are people with issues bigger than mine. I don't need to enter into egotistical contests to try and blow my problems out of proportion.
It's okay to do things because I want to. I don't need to please anyone in this life except for myself. Change may be hard but it's worth it for self preservation.
I do not need to depend on anyone else for happiness. I am capable of making transitions by myself and although support from others may be nice I won't lie or cheat just to get it (too bad that can't be said about others? okay, I'm allowed a couple of snide comments now and then, right?).
I don't like listening to classical music while eating breakfast.
It's okay to let go. 1/07/2006 10:37:00 AM
For some this birthday may seem young, or old, but to me it's just right. For me it seems big this year for some reason. Bigger than 18 or 21. It's a turning point. A chance to outgrown this stiffness and imprisionment I've engrossed myself in.
So with this turning point comes a time of letting go. Of not looking back on the past as missed opportunities and wasted time and unused energies. It's a time to turn my life around and nothing is more exciting. It's a time to stop regretting everything and just accepting what has happened as what has happened and it has made me who I am.
With this I'm letting go of a lot of shit and not moping about things I needn't to.
Things I have learned from him:
It's okay to indulge my inner dork. I love all those scientific mags (my latest indulgement is Cosmos..not not Cosmo but Cosmos).
It's okay to let go of things that have happened in the past. My naivity is not what caused all the problems.
There are people with issues bigger than mine. I don't need to enter into egotistical contests to try and blow my problems out of proportion.
It's okay to do things because I want to. I don't need to please anyone in this life except for myself. Change may be hard but it's worth it for self preservation.
I do not need to depend on anyone else for happiness. I am capable of making transitions by myself and although support from others may be nice I won't lie or cheat just to get it (too bad that can't be said about others? okay, I'm allowed a couple of snide comments now and then, right?).
I don't like listening to classical music while eating breakfast.
It's okay to let go. 1/07/2006 10:37:00 AM
I feel relief. I feel disbelief. I feel like I can stop acting like someone I'm not.
The thing is, I thought at this point I would be heartbroken. That because he didn't choose me, that my world would come to an end. The truth is: I haven't shed one tear this time. It sounds mildly psychotic but there's still this "gut" feeling that this will all work out. The funny thing is, I'm not sure that's what I want anymore, or more specifically if he's what I want.
I put everything that ever went wrong in this relationship down to my own faults. "I worry too much and I just make problems happen". "I wasn't good enough so that's why he couldn't keep his dick in his pants". "I wasn't pretty enough so that's why he acted like an asshole".
After I took a step back and looked at everything I realised that it wasn't my problems that caused all these relationship breakdowns. It wasn't my problem that I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner and saw it in him that I grabbed hold. It wasn't my problem that I'm the kind of person who likes to give when it feels right and doesn't expect anything in return. It wasn't my problem that sex WAS a big part of a relationship and it wasn't for me.
It's unfair to put all the blame on him because I can be overbearing, and emotional, and psychotic. I can blame the fact that he said things he didn't mean; that he showed emotions that he shouldn't have; and that he let things go further than they should have when he was "unsure".
The things that I "think" were wrong with me and that caused this to come crashing down are all things that I can fix. Yes, I am out of shape but after having the worst twelve months I think I'm entitled to not look perfect. Suffering from a semi-mystery virus for a few months does that to people. Yes, I did let my world revolve around you too much and I lost myself in the process, but I started to find myself again and will continue to do so. I lost my sassiness; I lost my "streak"; I lost the ability to post on my own website because it might upset him.
I can honestly say I have no regrets. I did everything I could to make this work (maybe sometimes a little too much). He's the one who's going to live with the "what if's". (Anyone notice I like using inverted commas?).
As diplomatic as I sound, it doesn't mean I'm level-headed. There's still moments where I want to do terrible things and act out that jilted girlfriend that's stereotypically shown in movies.
But I'm not going to. I'm looking forward to the next twelve months. The next twelve months are about me. I'm going back to uni and there's many, many other projects I want to get going this year. Maybe I might decide to share them with you at some stage, maybe not.
I hope everyone is well. May 2006 bring you everything you hope for. 1/05/2006 06:25:00 PM
The thing is, I thought at this point I would be heartbroken. That because he didn't choose me, that my world would come to an end. The truth is: I haven't shed one tear this time. It sounds mildly psychotic but there's still this "gut" feeling that this will all work out. The funny thing is, I'm not sure that's what I want anymore, or more specifically if he's what I want.
I put everything that ever went wrong in this relationship down to my own faults. "I worry too much and I just make problems happen". "I wasn't good enough so that's why he couldn't keep his dick in his pants". "I wasn't pretty enough so that's why he acted like an asshole".
After I took a step back and looked at everything I realised that it wasn't my problems that caused all these relationship breakdowns. It wasn't my problem that I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner and saw it in him that I grabbed hold. It wasn't my problem that I'm the kind of person who likes to give when it feels right and doesn't expect anything in return. It wasn't my problem that sex WAS a big part of a relationship and it wasn't for me.
It's unfair to put all the blame on him because I can be overbearing, and emotional, and psychotic. I can blame the fact that he said things he didn't mean; that he showed emotions that he shouldn't have; and that he let things go further than they should have when he was "unsure".
The things that I "think" were wrong with me and that caused this to come crashing down are all things that I can fix. Yes, I am out of shape but after having the worst twelve months I think I'm entitled to not look perfect. Suffering from a semi-mystery virus for a few months does that to people. Yes, I did let my world revolve around you too much and I lost myself in the process, but I started to find myself again and will continue to do so. I lost my sassiness; I lost my "streak"; I lost the ability to post on my own website because it might upset him.
I can honestly say I have no regrets. I did everything I could to make this work (maybe sometimes a little too much). He's the one who's going to live with the "what if's". (Anyone notice I like using inverted commas?).
As diplomatic as I sound, it doesn't mean I'm level-headed. There's still moments where I want to do terrible things and act out that jilted girlfriend that's stereotypically shown in movies.
But I'm not going to. I'm looking forward to the next twelve months. The next twelve months are about me. I'm going back to uni and there's many, many other projects I want to get going this year. Maybe I might decide to share them with you at some stage, maybe not.
I hope everyone is well. May 2006 bring you everything you hope for. 1/05/2006 06:25:00 PM