I held your note in my hand for such a long time and stared at it without reading the words.
The thing I can't try to explain to you right now because you're not listening to the meaning but just the word: I was never looking for anything but I knew I found everything I wanted when I met you.
Amazing how corny your feelings look in words. 9/30/2005 07:19:00 AM
The thing I can't try to explain to you right now because you're not listening to the meaning but just the word: I was never looking for anything but I knew I found everything I wanted when I met you.
Amazing how corny your feelings look in words. 9/30/2005 07:19:00 AM
For the immediate future there will be no updates. Things are too up-in-the-air to get my head around and I need to sort some things out. There will be some people reading this site who say I got what I deserve and others who think the complete opposite. All I know is that right now I have no motivation to keep this site updated or to vent or to over-analyse everything for the millionith time. I just have to let things run their course and see what happens.
I might tear the whole site down and make it into a portfolio. I may ressurect (I can't spell today) it as a personal site. I may do nothing to it at all.
You can always email me.
It's not the company I miss, it's you. 9/18/2005 12:18:00 PM
I might tear the whole site down and make it into a portfolio. I may ressurect (I can't spell today) it as a personal site. I may do nothing to it at all.
You can always email me.
It's not the company I miss, it's you. 9/18/2005 12:18:00 PM
Well, I feel better today. Things are starting to come into perspective. I mean, if he wants to judge what we had over the past 5 years over a 48 hour period, what can I do? Obviously he expects everything to fall into place straight away and not work for things, but I guess that's what happens when you're spoilt. I guess some people don't realise how good they've got things; to have someone who loves you so much and to throw that away, all I can do is shrug and think of it as his loss. I refuse to shed another tear (actually, I don't think it's physically possible for me to. Sorry to everyone at work for being a total mess on Thursday!). The worst thing is I haven't slept well for the past 2 weeks and I've spent the last few nights falling asleep in front of the television. So lack of sleep + lack of food = weird head spins. I've never had dizzy spells before. I'm not a vindictive person but the horrible things I've thought of doing. Those photos of him might come in handy yet. No, no. Really I'm not going to do anything horrible. How he can stay in Australia is beyond me. How you can put "the moves" on a girl when you're not sure about how you feel is beyond me too.
The thing that annoys me is that he knew lots of things that I never told anyone about. He knew how those things effected who I was and why I don't give away my affection easily. Yet he decided to use me. Why?
Don't think I'm all smiles and butterflies though. I'm stuck inside my head quite a lot and I'm overanalysing ever detail; like why tell me he missed me the Wednesday after being here and then one week later break my heart? Why tell me on the Saturday morning he woke up hard after dreaming about me but go out and find someone else that weekend? I guess some things can't be explained. I still think it's because I wouldn't sleep with him but he knew all along he wasn't getting that the first time he was here so why bother coming up? And apparently there was no spark. I'm still trying to figure that one out because firstly we've spent all these years getting to know each other. Sometimes love doesn't ignite at the first touch but develops after spending some time together. I'm just going to think he's done all this because he thinks it's all for my own good. The worst thing is I've lost my best friend; the person I spent the last 5 years sharing every detail with. I don't think any of the relationship is worth trying to save but I could be completely wrong. I guess I'm still numb in a lot of ways.
The good thing to come out of this is now I can concentrate on me. For the last twelve months I haven't been taking care of myself. With the move to Melbourne, the stress of my time there, moving back, moving back into my old stressful job, the stress of meeting Lukas, the stress of the week of being apart from him, the stress of the week after, etc, etc, etc, I've been going downhill. I'm starting to take care of myself again and that's a great thing. I'm going to leave work next year and become a full-time student (I'm thinking Business/Psychology - all my experiences with headcases must be a sign). I'm going to stay in Cairns ("it would be hard for me to tell you not to do it, but I'd do anything to make sure you weren't moving here just to be with me". I guess that worked). I'm going to start working towards that running goal I've had my eye on for years. Start yoga again. Do some short courses in language and arts. Start writing again (about time huh, Murph?). I'm going to find me again and the prospect is exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time.
So my plans for the weekend are to paint my nails mischievious pink, go look at some display homes with my mother this afternoon (they're building a new house), go to the university open day tomorrow, drive up to my parents' new block in the afternoon with my camera and snap, snap, snap away. The confusing thing is though, we all know I believe in signs and I've been getting calls from job agencies in Melbourne over the last couple of weeks saying they've got work for me. If things are pulling me down there why did things fall apart with Lukas?
I guess I'm sharing too many details but I don't really care anymore. This is my space and how I vent and if friends of his find out, well that's not my problem anymore. He's packed away in a box inside my cupboard as far as I'm concerned. If he comes back, he comes back. Knowing him that won't happen though. He can never be wrong. I'm so smirking right now.
P.S. Thank you Maree for last night. Sushi pig-out and a scary movie were just what I needed last night. WEIRD HEAD!!
P.P.S. Long enough update John?
P.P.P.S. I love the film clip for Daniel Powter's "Bad Day". 9/10/2005 10:28:00 AM
The thing that annoys me is that he knew lots of things that I never told anyone about. He knew how those things effected who I was and why I don't give away my affection easily. Yet he decided to use me. Why?
Don't think I'm all smiles and butterflies though. I'm stuck inside my head quite a lot and I'm overanalysing ever detail; like why tell me he missed me the Wednesday after being here and then one week later break my heart? Why tell me on the Saturday morning he woke up hard after dreaming about me but go out and find someone else that weekend? I guess some things can't be explained. I still think it's because I wouldn't sleep with him but he knew all along he wasn't getting that the first time he was here so why bother coming up? And apparently there was no spark. I'm still trying to figure that one out because firstly we've spent all these years getting to know each other. Sometimes love doesn't ignite at the first touch but develops after spending some time together. I'm just going to think he's done all this because he thinks it's all for my own good. The worst thing is I've lost my best friend; the person I spent the last 5 years sharing every detail with. I don't think any of the relationship is worth trying to save but I could be completely wrong. I guess I'm still numb in a lot of ways.
The good thing to come out of this is now I can concentrate on me. For the last twelve months I haven't been taking care of myself. With the move to Melbourne, the stress of my time there, moving back, moving back into my old stressful job, the stress of meeting Lukas, the stress of the week of being apart from him, the stress of the week after, etc, etc, etc, I've been going downhill. I'm starting to take care of myself again and that's a great thing. I'm going to leave work next year and become a full-time student (I'm thinking Business/Psychology - all my experiences with headcases must be a sign). I'm going to stay in Cairns ("it would be hard for me to tell you not to do it, but I'd do anything to make sure you weren't moving here just to be with me". I guess that worked). I'm going to start working towards that running goal I've had my eye on for years. Start yoga again. Do some short courses in language and arts. Start writing again (about time huh, Murph?). I'm going to find me again and the prospect is exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time.
So my plans for the weekend are to paint my nails mischievious pink, go look at some display homes with my mother this afternoon (they're building a new house), go to the university open day tomorrow, drive up to my parents' new block in the afternoon with my camera and snap, snap, snap away. The confusing thing is though, we all know I believe in signs and I've been getting calls from job agencies in Melbourne over the last couple of weeks saying they've got work for me. If things are pulling me down there why did things fall apart with Lukas?
I guess I'm sharing too many details but I don't really care anymore. This is my space and how I vent and if friends of his find out, well that's not my problem anymore. He's packed away in a box inside my cupboard as far as I'm concerned. If he comes back, he comes back. Knowing him that won't happen though. He can never be wrong. I'm so smirking right now.
P.S. Thank you Maree for last night. Sushi pig-out and a scary movie were just what I needed last night. WEIRD HEAD!!
P.P.S. Long enough update John?
P.P.P.S. I love the film clip for Daniel Powter's "Bad Day". 9/10/2005 10:28:00 AM
So what was it?
Wasn't I skinny enough or attractive enough? Obviously I was though. You got hard everytime you kissed me and you were the one who put the moves on me.
Wasn't I funny enough? Seeing as though I'm getting over a serious virus and all I could think of was sleeping all afternoon it's a bit unfair to peg that on me.
No spark? Yeah, well, I don't really believe this part. Because really we were saying it felt surreal all weekend long. So how can we really judge things on one weekend? I don't know.
I think all it boils down to is that I wouldn't sleep with you. It's too much trouble to try and get me to sleep with you. The work's just not worth it apparently.
Note to self: stock up on painkillers, chocolate and bourbon. 9/09/2005 06:42:00 AM
Wasn't I skinny enough or attractive enough? Obviously I was though. You got hard everytime you kissed me and you were the one who put the moves on me.
Wasn't I funny enough? Seeing as though I'm getting over a serious virus and all I could think of was sleeping all afternoon it's a bit unfair to peg that on me.
No spark? Yeah, well, I don't really believe this part. Because really we were saying it felt surreal all weekend long. So how can we really judge things on one weekend? I don't know.
I think all it boils down to is that I wouldn't sleep with you. It's too much trouble to try and get me to sleep with you. The work's just not worth it apparently.
Note to self: stock up on painkillers, chocolate and bourbon. 9/09/2005 06:42:00 AM
I'm rediscovering a sense of self lately. Openning to a blank page and drawing, or collaging, or painting. I'm discovering themes and mixing themes and just enjoying the process. My little journal is quite thick now.
I pulled out my camera and discovered my poor lens is covered in fungus. I might visit the pawn shop next week and look for a new one rather than pay to get it cleaned. Otherwise I might save the money for a new digital.
I'm here without you baby, But you're still on my lonely mind, I think about you baby, And i dream about you all the time, I'm here without you baby, But you're still with me in my dreams, And tonight it's only you and me 9/03/2005 07:48:00 PM
I pulled out my camera and discovered my poor lens is covered in fungus. I might visit the pawn shop next week and look for a new one rather than pay to get it cleaned. Otherwise I might save the money for a new digital.
I'm here without you baby, But you're still on my lonely mind, I think about you baby, And i dream about you all the time, I'm here without you baby, But you're still with me in my dreams, And tonight it's only you and me 9/03/2005 07:48:00 PM
I thought things were supposed to be easier once you were closer.
I thought there wouldn't be days I didn't hear from you.
I thought that there would be no more sleepless nights.
I think too much. 9/02/2005 07:02:00 AM
I thought there wouldn't be days I didn't hear from you.
I thought that there would be no more sleepless nights.
I think too much. 9/02/2005 07:02:00 AM