I hate my job today more than yesterday. I really need to get out of this stupid field of work.
12/30/2003 07:17:00 PM
It's bad to dwell on the past, isn't it? I mean, ever since I met him I've known he's not like all the others which is probably what attracted to me him in the first place. I remember our first conversation. He wouldn't just simply tell me where he was from. Oh no. I found out using longitude and latitude references, and armed with an atlas (and google) I figured it out. There's always been this kind of quirkiness with him that's endearing. Like the way he kisses my nose, and the way he calls me sunshine in the mornings because he knows I like it.
And over the last few months I've been doing that thing I promised I would never do with him - I started comparing him to the ones who've gone before. I don't mean to, but it's only human isn't it? Comparing him to the ones who couldn't go two days without sending me a long-winded letter or a present, to the ones who disappeared. From the one's who said they loved me within a couple of weeks of knowing me, to the ones who never once uttered the words. From the ones who did everything to speak to me, who'd stay up until all hours just to see me, to the ones who'd do everything to avoid me.
I know at times I've complained about him, but the truth of the matter is I can't picture myself with anyone other than him. And through my short journey so far through womanhood I've wanted nothing more than a man who to immerse themselves in me, someone who I can give so unselfishlessly to because I know he wants to be with me. Someone who's just going to look at me and will laugh with me after an argument.
I know he cares, otherwise he would still be here, he wouldn't be trying to sort this out after everything we've been through over the last few months, he wouldn't be trying again (well I think that's what's happening).
On top of this overwhelming feeling of relief of just being able to talk to him again, at being able to spend time with him, I get this sense of him being afraid and stand-offish.
So what did I want for Christmas, I wanted nothing more than to be able to give to him everything he needs to feel at ease with me, to trust me, and to give into this feeling he's fighting. 12/27/2003 11:18:00 PM
And over the last few months I've been doing that thing I promised I would never do with him - I started comparing him to the ones who've gone before. I don't mean to, but it's only human isn't it? Comparing him to the ones who couldn't go two days without sending me a long-winded letter or a present, to the ones who disappeared. From the one's who said they loved me within a couple of weeks of knowing me, to the ones who never once uttered the words. From the ones who did everything to speak to me, who'd stay up until all hours just to see me, to the ones who'd do everything to avoid me.
I know at times I've complained about him, but the truth of the matter is I can't picture myself with anyone other than him. And through my short journey so far through womanhood I've wanted nothing more than a man who to immerse themselves in me, someone who I can give so unselfishlessly to because I know he wants to be with me. Someone who's just going to look at me and will laugh with me after an argument.
I know he cares, otherwise he would still be here, he wouldn't be trying to sort this out after everything we've been through over the last few months, he wouldn't be trying again (well I think that's what's happening).
On top of this overwhelming feeling of relief of just being able to talk to him again, at being able to spend time with him, I get this sense of him being afraid and stand-offish.
So what did I want for Christmas, I wanted nothing more than to be able to give to him everything he needs to feel at ease with me, to trust me, and to give into this feeling he's fighting. 12/27/2003 11:18:00 PM
I've decided that losing that post was a blessing in disguise. I don't think it would have been appreciated my telling everyone all that. Ah well. So Christmas day was just another day really. Spent the afternoon playing cluedo and scrabble with my siblings and mother. I've decided I'm kickass at Cluedo.
12/26/2003 11:17:00 AM
I love it when a post disappears.
12/24/2003 08:29:00 PM
There's only one thing I really want for Christmas this year. Okay maybe two - one involving a boy, the other involving far away places. I feel like I could ramble about them for hours, but I'm not sure it's entirely appropriate. We'll see.
Joe - I miss talking to you as well. I seem to have misplaced your e-mail addy though and I'm not sure where (or who as) you're chatting these days
Hope you all have a great Christmas. 12/23/2003 11:38:00 PM
Joe - I miss talking to you as well. I seem to have misplaced your e-mail addy though and I'm not sure where (or who as) you're chatting these days
Hope you all have a great Christmas. 12/23/2003 11:38:00 PM
Thank you.
12/21/2003 05:49:00 PM
Well, I got the rest of the documentation together for my uni application today after dealing with a sour ol' bag at the Post Office. Being the organised person I am I had sorted out my photocopied information into one pile, and the originals into another. She snapped and told me to organise it into one pile with the original document ontop of the photocopied. So instead of letting me pay for an express envelope while I sorted it, she told me she'd do that after I had sorted it and to step aside while she served the other people. I guess it wasn't so much what she said, but how she said it. I feel like writing a letter of complaint, but I know she's probably the manager and it won't do much good anyway. Stupid ol' bag.
So now I'm really worried, I know I'm more than likely to get accepted to uni (well I hope so anyway) and I may have to really go through with giving notice at work and going to study. What's freaking me out though is the fact that I can't seem to write. I mean at the moment I don't HAVE to write anything. Which means I should be motivated to, right? I don't have any reason to do it but for the love of it. For some reason I can't get motivated to do it. I think it's a fear of failure than anything else.
I bought another three dvds today: "Donnie Darko", "Meet Joe Black" and "Two Weeks Notice". I know, I know. I shouldn't be spending money I don't need to. In the past twenty-four hours I'm watched Before Sunrise, Donnie Darko and Meet Joe Black. I'd never watched Donnie Darko before, but bought it because I'd heard it was good. I have to admit, I absolutely loved it. There was also a James Stewart dvd there called "Harvey". Is this a good movie? Has anyone seen it? It looked interesting.
I've been sleeping all afternoon. I managed to get half of an art assignment completed. It's my goal for the weekend to get it finished. We'll see if that happens.
Off to try and do something constructive to do. 12/20/2003 09:22:00 PM
So now I'm really worried, I know I'm more than likely to get accepted to uni (well I hope so anyway) and I may have to really go through with giving notice at work and going to study. What's freaking me out though is the fact that I can't seem to write. I mean at the moment I don't HAVE to write anything. Which means I should be motivated to, right? I don't have any reason to do it but for the love of it. For some reason I can't get motivated to do it. I think it's a fear of failure than anything else.
I bought another three dvds today: "Donnie Darko", "Meet Joe Black" and "Two Weeks Notice". I know, I know. I shouldn't be spending money I don't need to. In the past twenty-four hours I'm watched Before Sunrise, Donnie Darko and Meet Joe Black. I'd never watched Donnie Darko before, but bought it because I'd heard it was good. I have to admit, I absolutely loved it. There was also a James Stewart dvd there called "Harvey". Is this a good movie? Has anyone seen it? It looked interesting.
I've been sleeping all afternoon. I managed to get half of an art assignment completed. It's my goal for the weekend to get it finished. We'll see if that happens.
Off to try and do something constructive to do. 12/20/2003 09:22:00 PM
Look, I feel a little guilt stricken that I haven't written lately. I'm wondering how much I can say without feeling like betraying the boundaries of any invisible promises I may have made. But then again, sometimes I just need to vent. Wouldn't life be grand - the things I can't say directly to you, I say here and you just absorb them. Look at it as my way of saying things I may not have the guts to say, like "I'm not sorry about the way I shocked you. If maybe you just let go of the feeling of having to be control, and letting me back in we may be okay".
Time to go watch one of the many dvds I've been spending way too much money on lately. 12/18/2003 09:42:00 PM
Time to go watch one of the many dvds I've been spending way too much money on lately. 12/18/2003 09:42:00 PM
You've got such a subtle way of saying I'd rather be with someone else.
12/17/2003 07:34:00 AM
I feel the need to cry. Not because I'm horribly depressed, or upset, but that whole wash-away-that-tired-old-stuff cry.
12/13/2003 11:12:00 PM
Things that have made my day:
- a girl at working asking me "how can I get so smart as you?" That question is wrong in so many ways.
- one of the Solicitors and I breaking into maniacal laughter after a particularly stressful two hours where comments were thrown at each other such as "you chucked a wobbly. You absolutely told me to get out of your room", "don't be such a bitch and just answer the phone", "if only you would fit under my thumb - perfect squishing size". It's a love-hate relationship (we love to hate each other).
- handing that same Solicitor a flower out of the water bowl and him putting it behind is ear, a la hula girl style, which he forgot about and left there whilst seeing a client. I'll be surprised if that client ever comes back.
- learning just enough words of "Seven Nation Army" to be able to sing along to it in my car.
- coming home and finding out that the kitten is still here (we had someone else's kitten turn up on our doorstep. I do not want to give it back).
- comments from people on my site that I'm not sure who they are particularly, but grateful for the faith nevertheless.
- knowing that most of this doesn't matter to most people, but the gentle reminder of these in a few weeks time will do me good.
I don't want to fight anymore. 12/09/2003 07:32:00 PM
- a girl at working asking me "how can I get so smart as you?" That question is wrong in so many ways.
- one of the Solicitors and I breaking into maniacal laughter after a particularly stressful two hours where comments were thrown at each other such as "you chucked a wobbly. You absolutely told me to get out of your room", "don't be such a bitch and just answer the phone", "if only you would fit under my thumb - perfect squishing size". It's a love-hate relationship (we love to hate each other).
- handing that same Solicitor a flower out of the water bowl and him putting it behind is ear, a la hula girl style, which he forgot about and left there whilst seeing a client. I'll be surprised if that client ever comes back.
- learning just enough words of "Seven Nation Army" to be able to sing along to it in my car.
- coming home and finding out that the kitten is still here (we had someone else's kitten turn up on our doorstep. I do not want to give it back).
- comments from people on my site that I'm not sure who they are particularly, but grateful for the faith nevertheless.
- knowing that most of this doesn't matter to most people, but the gentle reminder of these in a few weeks time will do me good.
I don't want to fight anymore. 12/09/2003 07:32:00 PM
Jamie, I've been trying to e-mail you, but hotmail and I are just going to agree to disagree right now. I need your address, your postal address not your e-mail address. Comprende?
12/07/2003 05:59:00 PM
Okay, when I said I was sleeping for the rest of the weekend I meant it. I went to the doctor's yesterday. He wants to put me on anti-biotics, so I guess I should go get the script filled. I'll be around later maybe.
12/07/2003 05:52:00 PM
Sooooo..I'm sick with a flu for the second time in how many weeks? Three or four. I feel absolutely crappy. I'll be sleeping for the rest of the weekend if anybody's looking for me.
12/06/2003 06:19:00 PM
So I did what I should never have done and sent him an e-mail. I feel much better about everything though, now I've admitted a few things to him and me. Sorry for making everyone's life hell lately.
12/01/2003 07:23:00 PM
ARGH!!!!!!
12/01/2003 06:42:00 AM
I am dead. I am no longer alive. I am an empty shell. I am a figment of your imagination. When I needed some help the most, the people were uncaring and unhelpful. Come shed some light again.
12/01/2003 12:09:00 AM