I just want to stamp my feet and scream out loud how fucking bitter I am.
11/30/2003 11:41:00 PM
I want to wish him luck for the big concert tonight. I've known for months that it's on tonight. I want to believe that it's the reason he's not here right now, why he doesn't want to talk to me right at this moment in time. It's just a simple truth that perhaps there's just not enough room in his life for me, and all of this is probably just a good thing.
I feel like I'm fucking going insane.....I'm feeling all those familiar feelings again...I feel like I'm fucking going insane...Why is wanting to feel good such a crime? 11/29/2003 10:24:00 PM
I feel like I'm fucking going insane.....I'm feeling all those familiar feelings again...I feel like I'm fucking going insane...Why is wanting to feel good such a crime? 11/29/2003 10:24:00 PM
I wish that there was someone around right now to talk to, to tell me to hold my head up high and understand that I am truly capable of superhuman tasks. I wish there was someone around right now to kick me up the backside, tell me it's time to move on and that the best possible revenge I could offer would be to become a strong, capable, unbelieveably too-good-to-be-true woman. I wish there was someone around right now to unclog this creative block I have, to suck those sub-atomic ideas out of my brain and make me face the reality that even the most minute of ideas can be soul-defying. I wish there was someone around right now to tell me that I am loved, I am wonderful and that I'm deserving of only the best things in life. I wish there was someone around right now to explain those unexplainable things like why he had to end it, why my nails keep breaking, why they can manufacture clothes correctly, and why people think that there were two shooters in the JFK killing. I wish there was someone around right now.
11/29/2003 10:13:00 PM
I dreamt of him last night. I dreamt that he put his arms around me and told me how much he missed me. I hate this. I hate my inability to let go. Am I such a horrible person to want?
11/28/2003 06:41:00 PM
I don't want to be known anymore. I don't want to be remembered as the one who went crazy.
11/24/2003 06:09:00 PM
I'm sorry I don't have anything interesting to say right now.
11/23/2003 07:36:00 PM
So, did I tell any of you that I finished reading the Life of Pi last weekend? I thoroughly enjoyed it. Today I picked up and started reading Delta of Venus. A little risque I know. Got plenty of other books to read. Perhaps I should start on those language courses.
Note to self: must get art assignment in mail this week.
Looking at working in radio? Are you in the Phoenix area? You may be interested in this. 11/22/2003 09:31:00 PM
Note to self: must get art assignment in mail this week.
Looking at working in radio? Are you in the Phoenix area? You may be interested in this. 11/22/2003 09:31:00 PM
Okay, so I thought seeing as though I haven't updated much lately that I should do this:
1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.
* Lose a little weight, yo.
* Eat that healthier way I'm always telling myself to.
* Get my application for uni finalised.
* Start that screen play I keep yabbering about.
* Read three books.
2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.
* Well, I think things happen for a reason. I've obviously lost contact with these people for very good reasons.
3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.
* Scuba dive (but I have a horrible fear of sharks).
* Rock-climb.
* Be content with myself.
* Fly.
* Salsa & Rock-n-Roll dance.
* Learn at least three other languages. (yeah so it's more than five.)
4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).
* Take care of my parents - buy them a house, hire them help, fly them to see me.
* Give some to my siblings - heh, it'll keep them outta my hair for a while.
* Donate some to Canteen and Make a Wise Foundation.
* Indulge every dream I've ever had and will have - build that publishing company, own that coffee shop, have that bookstore, make those movies, produce that magazine, that NYC loft apartment, the French villa.
* Enroll in all the study I've ever wanted to do - NY Film School, etc, etc.
5. List five things you do that help you relax.
* Read.
* Draw.
* Surf online.
* Watch videos & tv.
* Quilt. 11/22/2003 06:04:00 PM
1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.
* Lose a little weight, yo.
* Eat that healthier way I'm always telling myself to.
* Get my application for uni finalised.
* Start that screen play I keep yabbering about.
* Read three books.
2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.
* Well, I think things happen for a reason. I've obviously lost contact with these people for very good reasons.
3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.
* Scuba dive (but I have a horrible fear of sharks).
* Rock-climb.
* Be content with myself.
* Fly.
* Salsa & Rock-n-Roll dance.
* Learn at least three other languages. (yeah so it's more than five.)
4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).
* Take care of my parents - buy them a house, hire them help, fly them to see me.
* Give some to my siblings - heh, it'll keep them outta my hair for a while.
* Donate some to Canteen and Make a Wise Foundation.
* Indulge every dream I've ever had and will have - build that publishing company, own that coffee shop, have that bookstore, make those movies, produce that magazine, that NYC loft apartment, the French villa.
* Enroll in all the study I've ever wanted to do - NY Film School, etc, etc.
5. List five things you do that help you relax.
* Read.
* Draw.
* Surf online.
* Watch videos & tv.
* Quilt. 11/22/2003 06:04:00 PM
Now, I'm really pissed off. More reasons why I was never good enough for you. I hate this fighting. Why do you have to fight me?
11/12/2003 07:18:00 PM
Okay, now I'm pissed off. I wrote a very heart-baring post, and IE crashed.
I wonder who would walk in this shoes if I didn't exist. 11/09/2003 06:37:00 PM
I wonder who would walk in this shoes if I didn't exist. 11/09/2003 06:37:00 PM
note to self: do not look through the message history. Do not search for keywords of beautiful.
11/08/2003 08:53:00 AM
I'm too tired to care anymore. Too drained to try and understand what I want. Too exhausted to fight this anymore. You win.
11/07/2003 08:04:00 PM
I've let you all down lately. I don't have much to say, and when I do it's just whining about how much I miss him. Well I do, okay?
Yeah, so work sucks. 11/04/2003 07:19:00 PM
Yeah, so work sucks. 11/04/2003 07:19:00 PM
I've told you exactly what I think's going on. About how it's you being scared by the fact that this has gone on for so long, and it's starting to sink in that you might actually, god forbid, have feelings for me. You know, it's scary to think that maybe you do care for me. Maybe it's not just all fun with me anymore. It's not always bad either. And how on earth you can have fun without me is beyond me. It's just been hard lately. Really hard. You with your stuff, me with my demanding (my sell your soul and work on weekends god-damned demanding) job. The changes I'm planning on making next year have been taking their toll, and with all truth I'm not sure I want them still. The one thing I was definite about, was that next year one way or another we were going to meet and see if this was all as real as it feels (you won't admit it, but you feel it too).
Someone said to me in the last month that I should feel lucky because I've managed to find one of most attractive guys online. You know what else they mentioned, that you should feel lucky too. You'd be lucky to meet anybody like me there, or anywhere else. Anyone who take your imperfections so willingly as me. You know what though, I'm a great catch when it comes down to it, so why should I give myself to someone who pretends they don't want me near as much. I can't help it *shrugs* I just can't help it.
I smiled tonight. It feels like the first time in a week. Why? Because you're such a dork. I wanted to shake you and ask why you were doing this to me. Why you were doing it to yourself. I wanted to just laugh with you at what idiots we've been acting like lately. You couldn't let it go though, you want to be rid of me. I'm too much work for you.
You want me to give in, I give in. You want me to let go, I let go. You want me to watch you walk away, sure I'll do that.
So I'll pretend to be strong. And I'll pretend that I don't cry anymore (okay, because I'm already crying, this session doesn't count. Right?). And I'll pretend that everything's just a-okay.
After everything though. After everything in the past two weeks.
If you want my forgiveness, you'd more than likely get it. No-one loves me as much as you, just like no-one hurts me as much as you. 11/02/2003 01:07:00 AM
Someone said to me in the last month that I should feel lucky because I've managed to find one of most attractive guys online. You know what else they mentioned, that you should feel lucky too. You'd be lucky to meet anybody like me there, or anywhere else. Anyone who take your imperfections so willingly as me. You know what though, I'm a great catch when it comes down to it, so why should I give myself to someone who pretends they don't want me near as much. I can't help it *shrugs* I just can't help it.
I smiled tonight. It feels like the first time in a week. Why? Because you're such a dork. I wanted to shake you and ask why you were doing this to me. Why you were doing it to yourself. I wanted to just laugh with you at what idiots we've been acting like lately. You couldn't let it go though, you want to be rid of me. I'm too much work for you.
You want me to give in, I give in. You want me to let go, I let go. You want me to watch you walk away, sure I'll do that.
So I'll pretend to be strong. And I'll pretend that I don't cry anymore (okay, because I'm already crying, this session doesn't count. Right?). And I'll pretend that everything's just a-okay.
After everything though. After everything in the past two weeks.
If you want my forgiveness, you'd more than likely get it. No-one loves me as much as you, just like no-one hurts me as much as you. 11/02/2003 01:07:00 AM
Apparently, because a person doesn't have fun with you anymore (and doesn't give themselves the chance to try to have fun with you again) is a reason to push them away completely. Apparently, when a troublemaker wants to split two people up, the part of the previously referred to couple who is weaker lets the said troublemaker win.
I've been listening to a lot of sickeningly depressing music lately. Some of the lines that really get to me are as follows:
"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, I'll tell you that. But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?.........And when we meet, Which I'm sure we will, All that was then, Will be there still, I'll let it pass, And hold my tongue, And you will think, That I've moved on" - Dido, White Flag
"It could all be so simple, But you'd rather make it hard, Loving you is like a battle, And we both end up with scars, Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity, No one loves you more than me, And no one ever will" - Lauryn Hill, Ex-Factor
"Doing everything that I believe in, Going by the rules that I've been, taught, More understanding of what's around me, And protected from the walls of love" - Delta Goodrem, Born to Try
"If you can't wake up in the morning, Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely, Can't control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won't leave you, May you find it by the end of the day, You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely, Something beautiful will come your way" - Robbie Williams, Something Beautiful
"You're nobody, girl" - Ryan Adams, Nobody Girl
I'm so tired of feeling this way. I want to escape my skin and crawl inside of yours. I want to live a life that isn't mine. I want to be the person you want to be with. Funnily enough, I know I am. That's why you think you should stay away. I know that's why you keep re-appearing to make sure I'm okay.
Thank-god for Good Charlotte keeping my spirits up. Bless all of you who've tried to give me the crutch I need. 11/01/2003 11:04:00 PM
I've been listening to a lot of sickeningly depressing music lately. Some of the lines that really get to me are as follows:
"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, I'll tell you that. But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?.........And when we meet, Which I'm sure we will, All that was then, Will be there still, I'll let it pass, And hold my tongue, And you will think, That I've moved on" - Dido, White Flag
"It could all be so simple, But you'd rather make it hard, Loving you is like a battle, And we both end up with scars, Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity, No one loves you more than me, And no one ever will" - Lauryn Hill, Ex-Factor
"Doing everything that I believe in, Going by the rules that I've been, taught, More understanding of what's around me, And protected from the walls of love" - Delta Goodrem, Born to Try
"If you can't wake up in the morning, Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely, Can't control it, try as you might
May you find that love that won't leave you, May you find it by the end of the day, You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely, Something beautiful will come your way" - Robbie Williams, Something Beautiful
"You're nobody, girl" - Ryan Adams, Nobody Girl
I'm so tired of feeling this way. I want to escape my skin and crawl inside of yours. I want to live a life that isn't mine. I want to be the person you want to be with. Funnily enough, I know I am. That's why you think you should stay away. I know that's why you keep re-appearing to make sure I'm okay.
Thank-god for Good Charlotte keeping my spirits up. Bless all of you who've tried to give me the crutch I need. 11/01/2003 11:04:00 PM