I feel like I should apologise to you all. I haven't been acting myself lately. Actually, I have no idea who I am anymore. I haven't known for a long time. I've become a very boring person. I'm not the same girl a lot of you have grown to love. In fact, I can't even remember that girl. So I guess there isn't enough "sorry"s out there to apologise for my moods. I'm insecure. I'm insecure and paranoid about everything. I think being pushed away, has pushed me over the edge. And I honestly feel like I'm ready to have a breakdown lately. I needed support, not hate. Can you at least stop and look at things from my perspective before you start throwing out words I don't think you really mean. Yes, I've been intolerable. But so have you at times. We all have. I like to think that I was worth a little more than what you've been treating me like lately.
And the fact is, I've stuffed this up unconsciously-onpurpose. And you took the bait. You have it planted in your brain that it couldn't work. I have previous experience to go on. You seemed too good to be true (although I have been realistic about you. You're not perfect, I know). Every other relationship has worked out. So why should I let this one? Why should I be allowed to feel special?
So it's Tuesday here. A girl from work's given notice - she leaves next Friday. One of my bird dies. My cat's getting old, and I've realised that life's just to precious to spend fighting. My brother's got a job. I'm not sure I even want to go to uni anymore. I don't know what I want and I feel like I'm the worst person on the face of the planet. I'm thinking that I might just steer clear of this place until the weekend. Give it some time to settle. Give him and I some space to think. My SMS details are on my ICQ profile. So if you feel the need to message me, that would be the best place to contact me.
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be patient. I'm sorry I can be quiet. I'm sorry that I say the things I feel. I'm sorry that you feel that you're bad for me. I'm sorry that I'm so fucked up.
Maybe you'll forgive me. Maybe you won't. All I can do is ask. 10/28/2003 06:34:00 PM
And the fact is, I've stuffed this up unconsciously-onpurpose. And you took the bait. You have it planted in your brain that it couldn't work. I have previous experience to go on. You seemed too good to be true (although I have been realistic about you. You're not perfect, I know). Every other relationship has worked out. So why should I let this one? Why should I be allowed to feel special?
So it's Tuesday here. A girl from work's given notice - she leaves next Friday. One of my bird dies. My cat's getting old, and I've realised that life's just to precious to spend fighting. My brother's got a job. I'm not sure I even want to go to uni anymore. I don't know what I want and I feel like I'm the worst person on the face of the planet. I'm thinking that I might just steer clear of this place until the weekend. Give it some time to settle. Give him and I some space to think. My SMS details are on my ICQ profile. So if you feel the need to message me, that would be the best place to contact me.
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be patient. I'm sorry I can be quiet. I'm sorry that I say the things I feel. I'm sorry that you feel that you're bad for me. I'm sorry that I'm so fucked up.
Maybe you'll forgive me. Maybe you won't. All I can do is ask. 10/28/2003 06:34:00 PM
And now ICQ hates me. Is it a sign?
10/28/2003 06:47:00 AM
It's amazing how much work I got done at work today. Trying to keep my mind off other things I suppose. I'm finding all music depressing. I'm thinking of all the things you've said, and obviously didn't truly mean. I've tried to give you all the logical explanations for why I've been acting the way I have been lately. None of them are good enough for you. I was never good enough for you. It was always me comprising. Do you see that? Ahh, my whole perspective of german-speaking-European's has been changed forever. I'm doing everything I can to try and be strong. To make you feel bad for what you've done. But nothing can live up to the disappointment you've shown me. You'll never understand how I felt, feel, cared and care for you. Never. You never gave me a chance.
10/27/2003 06:23:00 PM
It makes me sick to the stomach - I'm alone again. What else matters?
I knew you were too good to be true... 10/27/2003 07:31:00 AM
I knew you were too good to be true... 10/27/2003 07:31:00 AM
Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me 10/25/2003 07:47:00 PM
It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me 10/25/2003 07:47:00 PM
I was going to write about how much it annoys the hell of me that you still talk to her, but you know, you have your own perogitives there. (I really don't give a flying fuck about my spelling tonight.) But you know, I refuse to be the victim of this. I really do. You're the one who made the mistake, not me. I have to learn to grow from this, rather than bitter. I don't feel mad. I mean, you did say you were selfish. Right? If anything, I feel humiliated. I feel just plain embarassed that I put so much time and effort into somebody who didn't really care. I guess someone summed it up correctly when they said you decided to end it when I wouldn't stand you fucking around with other girls. I'm not one to lie though. The truth is, I believe you were fucking around with other girls. The truth is, it doesn't surprise me one bit.
So why the hell does it hurt so bad?
Does it feel good to be rid of me? 10/25/2003 07:44:00 PM
So why the hell does it hurt so bad?
Does it feel good to be rid of me? 10/25/2003 07:44:00 PM
Well, it's probably best if I avoid the whole situation. I hate this fighting. It's so un-needed. So, you people know how to get a hold of me if you need to. I can't help but say that I miss him. Really I do.
Do you not feel as absolutely horrible as me? Do you honestly want this? I know you wish I'd believe you did. But I really can't. It goes against everything you've ever said to me the whole time we've been together.
You said I could tempt you, I want to tempt you..... 10/24/2003 06:55:00 AM
Do you not feel as absolutely horrible as me? Do you honestly want this? I know you wish I'd believe you did. But I really can't. It goes against everything you've ever said to me the whole time we've been together.
You said I could tempt you, I want to tempt you..... 10/24/2003 06:55:00 AM
I fell asleep when I got home from work. I napped for about 20 minutes. I dreamt that I was there, and we were talking. About how happy you were. How you wanted nothing but this. The next minute you couldn't see me. Like I was a ghost. It didn't worry you though. You went about doing your work, and I tried everything I could to make you see me, to notice me. But you didn't. And you didn't care that I had just disappeared. You didn't care. Then you saw me again, your face lit up. You were full of this life, this spark, that I was the reasoning for. You took my face in your hands, and kissed my forehead and whispered "don't worry, it'll all be okay. it's quite often the things said unsaid that matter the most". And then you disappeared.
I blame this on myself. Everytime these relationships get on a while, I cause arguments. I don't know why. I just do it. It's an inbuilt reaction. I test their limits. I want to know how much they care. None of them seem to measure up. None of them seem to care enough. 10/23/2003 06:36:00 PM
I blame this on myself. Everytime these relationships get on a while, I cause arguments. I don't know why. I just do it. It's an inbuilt reaction. I test their limits. I want to know how much they care. None of them seem to measure up. None of them seem to care enough. 10/23/2003 06:36:00 PM
Broken. Yes Tanner, I couldn't have described it better.
This week:
Number of times my car has been in an accident: one.
Number of times I've been the cause of the accident: nil.
Number of times I've told myself I was strong enough: 4685.
Today:
Number of times I've cried: three.
Number of times I've cursed: 26.
Number of times I've listened to Ryan Adams Gold: three.
Number of time I wished I'd held my tongue: nil.
But you know, shit happens. Right? 10/23/2003 06:24:00 PM
This week:
Number of times my car has been in an accident: one.
Number of times I've been the cause of the accident: nil.
Number of times I've told myself I was strong enough: 4685.
Today:
Number of times I've cried: three.
Number of times I've cursed: 26.
Number of times I've listened to Ryan Adams Gold: three.
Number of time I wished I'd held my tongue: nil.
But you know, shit happens. Right? 10/23/2003 06:24:00 PM
If I deleted you off my memory, I'd have at least 100mb more space. You'll tell everyone that I'm the psycho, that I'm just plain pedantic and a little bit too over possessive. Three years. Three fucking years. I know couples who are closer and they've know each other nowhere near as long. I don't want that guy who's just interested in an easy ride. Remember, not long ago you asked what you had to do for me to start trusting you again. You don't seem to absorb what I get upset about. You seem to hear, but not listen. Honestly, I know I'll never hear from you again. You wouldn't have avoided me, and been with her if you were anything but totally ignorant.
On a completely different note: Thank you to Trev and Michael for the e-mails (although Michael I have no idea who you are, or how you wandered onto my site).
Thank god for Killing Heidi, Delta Goodrem and the Waifs. 10/22/2003 07:29:00 AM
On a completely different note: Thank you to Trev and Michael for the e-mails (although Michael I have no idea who you are, or how you wandered onto my site).
Thank god for Killing Heidi, Delta Goodrem and the Waifs. 10/22/2003 07:29:00 AM
It's been too many years since I cried. I will not begin again now. Weigh up what's more important - someone you've spent three years trying to convince you're really what she thinks, or the other one she's paranoid about. I know which one I'd be trying to please. Obviously not fucking worth it anymore. You people know where to get a hold of me.
10/21/2003 10:12:00 PM
There's this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like throwing up, and yet there's this feeling of wanting to eat everything in sight. It's not just him. I know things will work out how they're meant to. Either he cares enough to admit he cares, he's too much of a coward to admit he cares for so much for someone he's never met, or he's just a bastard. Hrmmm. The possibilities.
10/21/2003 07:45:00 PM
Sometimes it feels like I'm sinking. Going head over and drowning when I shouldn't be. Becoming breathless for all the wrong reasons. Trying to make sense of things that don't make sense. I'm trying everything I can to be positive. That you haven't disappeared on purpose. That you're just busy, I know the reasons why (the reasons that make me feel so guilty for dragging this up at the most inconvenient time - but when is there a convenient time). I have to put all my energy into making myself believe that you haven't done what every other person I've cared for before has done. Just slipped under the radar and disappeared. I don't believe you have, I really don't. But, you know, my paranoia. The curse of the tainted.
10/20/2003 08:03:00 PM
I'm tired, so tired. I can't sleep in my bed. I've been falling asleep on the couch lately. It's hard not having your best friend to talk to. It's hard trying to remember when your lover last touched you. It's hard trying to remember a time when I was loved, and honestly felt like I belonged somewhere or with someone.
I've been deleting people off my Q, yahoo and MSN lists. People I don't talk to, people I don't connect with any longer. It doesn't leave many people, but hey what's the point anymore. What's the point with any of this shit. 10/19/2003 09:11:00 PM
I've been deleting people off my Q, yahoo and MSN lists. People I don't talk to, people I don't connect with any longer. It doesn't leave many people, but hey what's the point anymore. What's the point with any of this shit. 10/19/2003 09:11:00 PM
Thanks to Tanner, I thought this would be something fun to cheer myself up with:
Nerdslut
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
And well, someone's playing the hide and seek game. I guess it must be hard when I've got a psycho stalker telling me things about him. Oh well.
10/18/2003 07:23:00 AM
Nerdslut
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
And well, someone's playing the hide and seek game. I guess it must be hard when I've got a psycho stalker telling me things about him. Oh well.
10/18/2003 07:23:00 AM
Is it wrong to want to be the center of someone's fucking universe? Is it wrong that after 3 years I want to feel god-damned special and irreplacible? Is it wrong to want to be loved?
I guess it's easier to just end some things than trying to live through it. 10/16/2003 09:04:00 PM
I guess it's easier to just end some things than trying to live through it. 10/16/2003 09:04:00 PM
On a reality based note: I'm without car 'til tomorrow afternoon, hurrah for technology, and all hail the new puritans.
10/16/2003 08:58:00 PM
I must fucking be.
10/14/2003 08:47:00 PM
Is it just me, or have I turned into the most boring person you know?
10/12/2003 09:56:00 PM
I just have to say that firstly the Waifs kicked some major arse last night.
Secondly - Boy I miss you. 10/12/2003 01:34:00 PM
Secondly - Boy I miss you. 10/12/2003 01:34:00 PM
So at about 2:30 this afternoon I decided that I should take a nap (seeing as though I could hardly keep my eyes open). I read for a while and then drifted into a nice, sound nap. Well what I thought was a nap. At 8:00 I was woken up by my mother asking whether I'd like some dinner (well of course I did, I was starving).
Now I've been up for about an hour, and I could quite easily go back to sleep. I'm thinking it'll be a good idea to stay up for a while before going back to sleep.
The thing is, you see, that right now I'm feeling particularly lonely. I'm feeling particularly teary-eyed. I have no idea why. Is it the fact that I'm tired? I'm not sure. I really miss him. I really do. It's not that I haven't got to talk to him, because I have. We just haven't been able to sit down and have a long talk and cuddle for a while. It's no-ones fault. There's no blame to this. It happens. Lives shift courses and make things sometimes unbearable. You've just got to grit your teeth and get through it.
I just really miss him. 10/05/2003 09:15:00 PM
Now I've been up for about an hour, and I could quite easily go back to sleep. I'm thinking it'll be a good idea to stay up for a while before going back to sleep.
The thing is, you see, that right now I'm feeling particularly lonely. I'm feeling particularly teary-eyed. I have no idea why. Is it the fact that I'm tired? I'm not sure. I really miss him. I really do. It's not that I haven't got to talk to him, because I have. We just haven't been able to sit down and have a long talk and cuddle for a while. It's no-ones fault. There's no blame to this. It happens. Lives shift courses and make things sometimes unbearable. You've just got to grit your teeth and get through it.
I just really miss him. 10/05/2003 09:15:00 PM
Murph, I've been keeping an eye out for you. Are you alive?
Joe aka Mike aka Joe aka Southern Breeze aka Guy Smiley - I've been looking for you. Are you okay?
Raven - still on earth?
Devon - still the same?
Jack - remained unchanged? 10/04/2003 06:45:00 PM
Joe aka Mike aka Joe aka Southern Breeze aka Guy Smiley - I've been looking for you. Are you okay?
Raven - still on earth?
Devon - still the same?
Jack - remained unchanged? 10/04/2003 06:45:00 PM
I only talked to him twelve hours ago? Why does it feel like at least ago? I've had a very long day, and I wish I could see him right now. I need to see him.
10/01/2003 06:46:00 PM