I'm quitting my job tomorrow. Does that explain why I can't sleep?
4/29/2003 10:16:00 PM
There's still some bugs.
4/27/2003 11:35:00 AM
Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman
Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation
And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me
To)
Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society
And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe
Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it
And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't
Want me to)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe 4/27/2003 10:12:00 AM
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman
Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation
And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me
To)
Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society
And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe
Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it
And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't
Want me to)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe 4/27/2003 10:12:00 AM
I'd put it up if the fucked up thing would work. Yes, I'm frustrated, and tired, and so damn sick of it all.
4/26/2003 02:58:00 PM
I think I may put the new layout up this weekend. We'll see.
4/25/2003 07:48:00 AM
Murph - I've been trying to e-mail you, but obviously Mr Mailer Daemon is jealous and won't let them get through. Drop me a line. Please.
Raven - girl, where on earth are you? are you alive? do you even remember me? I'm not willing to give up on you yet.
Kathy - are you okay? are you keeping well? can I have a job? 4/23/2003 06:54:00 PM
Raven - girl, where on earth are you? are you alive? do you even remember me? I'm not willing to give up on you yet.
Kathy - are you okay? are you keeping well? can I have a job? 4/23/2003 06:54:00 PM
Today, I feel like I'm ready to burst with everything I want to say. I want to say so much, and tell people so many different things, but I just can't. I have a habit of blurting things out without thinking, and I'm just playing it safe. I've been working on my new bio this weekend. I'm actually quite fond of it so far. We'll see how long that lasts. Well, I feel like I'm ready to go to bed already, and it's only just after 5pm here. It's been raining all weekend, and so windy, and cold. My mother told me "this is probably a summer's day in London" expecting me to start whining that I didn't want to go to London afterall, that it would be too cold. I think I shocked her when I reply quite excitedly "yeah, I can't wait".
4/21/2003 05:17:00 PM
Because people like knowing weird things, here's a weird thing about me:
My maternal grandfather disappeared when I was about five years old. He just disappeared. Never found. No-one knows what happened to him. I remember we all went to my grandparents property and everyone went searching for him. My mum was pregnant with my sister at the time, and cyclone winifred hit Cairns not long after. I remember eating mulberries with him. He adored me. 4/19/2003 01:14:00 AM
My maternal grandfather disappeared when I was about five years old. He just disappeared. Never found. No-one knows what happened to him. I remember we all went to my grandparents property and everyone went searching for him. My mum was pregnant with my sister at the time, and cyclone winifred hit Cairns not long after. I remember eating mulberries with him. He adored me. 4/19/2003 01:14:00 AM
I'm willing to sell my soul. How much are you willing to pay?
4/18/2003 06:06:00 PM
The boss's wife decided that something she had decided on months ago was not a good idea anymore, and somehow it was my fault that it was still being done. She did not remember making the decision, and can't understand why she would have. So, of course, it's my fault. Other systems that have been there since I started work in '99 are apparently all wrong, and it's my fault that I was taught that way. My stomach knotted, and I thought I was going to faint. No-one has ever infuriated me that much. Never. I was ready to quit today, and I'm still tossing up whether I should give them notice tomorrow. I'm thinking I might wait until after they take me out for dinner next week. They'll just think I'm be childlike otherwise about the whole situation today. If I stay there though, I'll probably get an ulcer. So I'll give notice, sell all my belongings and just leave for overseas. I'm just going to do it. I'm sick of all this waiting around crap. I think I honestly deserve more than this.
4/16/2003 06:36:00 PM
I seem to have more downs, than ups these days. I hate that feeling. I think I'll visit the health food shop tomorrow and pick up a herbal pick-me-up (I'm not talking about the illegal bong variety either). There seems to be a great variety of anti-depressants these days, and I think I just need something to help me get through the rough patches. After my seemingly self-accepting previous post, I've reached a "I'll never do what I really want" slump. I know, only a few days. I love hormones. There's so much I want to do, but I think I'm too caught up in trying to please everyone else that I can't give into the temptation of doing what I really want.
In the feeling of my complete inadequacy there's still smiles. When there's a clear night and I look up at the stars and smile to myself that perhaps you're looking too. When I wonder whether you still listen to those crappy recordings I sent you and then you send me a surprise that just confirms you do. When I fall asleep with your voice still floating in my head. I hope you're not overdoing it, and taking care of yourself.
This week I crossed my first bridge to getting overseas, I sent off for a copy of my grandmother's birth certificate. I know, it's not much, but it's the first step. Now I just have to save some money. 4/11/2003 08:19:00 PM
In the feeling of my complete inadequacy there's still smiles. When there's a clear night and I look up at the stars and smile to myself that perhaps you're looking too. When I wonder whether you still listen to those crappy recordings I sent you and then you send me a surprise that just confirms you do. When I fall asleep with your voice still floating in my head. I hope you're not overdoing it, and taking care of yourself.
This week I crossed my first bridge to getting overseas, I sent off for a copy of my grandmother's birth certificate. I know, it's not much, but it's the first step. Now I just have to save some money. 4/11/2003 08:19:00 PM
A self-realisation last night - if you want to make your dreams come true you have to work at them. It seems obviously, I know. Sometimes you just need to remind yourself of the obvious sometimes. I'm therefore spending today reorganising my personal space. I may not be posting all that often (okay, maybe just as much as before).
4/06/2003 08:20:00 AM
"Grief is a later feeling, as the sadness sifts down and makes your memory heavy and hopeless. It was too early for us to feel anything except the shock of relief, the leftover pain. We has beens kinned alive and were raw. We had come through a fire, we still burned."
4/03/2003 07:21:00 AM