I keep wondering if we hadn't met that night, I was sitting all by myself, whether we would have still met. Whether perhaps fate or destiny or whatever that big, giant force is would have jumped in and thrown us together and told us in no uncertain terms to make things work. I think about things, and I sometimes seriously think I should tell you it's over - whatever this is. That maybe I'm better off without you, that perhaps I depend on a little too much and that maybe I've lost who I am. It sounds silly, I know, but I know you think about that sometimes. I know I suffocate you and that I occassionally get too hard to deal with. I know you hate it when I apologise, so I won't. I wasn't going to anyway. I really care for you, and I suppose after all that's said and done that's what all this is about. I have a strange way of showing it, I know. I guess, what I'm trying to say is if you're only hanging onto this to make me happy because you think I'm going to fall apart at the seams - don't. You make me smile so much. You make everything worthwhile. I know, I know, I worry too much. I miss you.
2/25/2003 07:41:00 PM
crawl into my bed tonight..and whisper in my ear how much you love me and want to be with me..tell me about the things that remind you of me when I'm not around, and the things you think about that make you smile...tell me how much you want me to be there, to cuddle up to, to laugh with...I hope you miss me as much as I miss you...tell me that you want me around...just tell me..
2/23/2003 03:07:00 PM
So my teeth are all fixed now. I used that as an excuse for a lot of things. One thing on the list down, 20 zillion more to go.
2/23/2003 03:38:00 AM
Our normally summer weather has started to set in. It's hot and muggy during the day. You swim through the humidity. Clothes stick to you. Some days the clouds build up fiercely and then in the early evening the rain starts. Sometimes the thunder can be heard from over the mountains, and the lightning glows from over the top giving an eeire effect. Then other days there's no rain at all. But the heat, and the humidity, and the dark clouds are still there. Other days, like today, there's frequent showers of hard falling rain. All day long. You feel like doing nothing but eating hot greasy food, and then curling up bed with a book and the sound of the rain on the roof falling on the roof.
2/20/2003 07:45:00 PM
It's 6:45am. I've been up since five. My parents are away on a trip for a week, and I'm petrified that if I don't get up early enough I won't get the list of jobs that has been left for us to complete done. It's most mediocre, everyday, run-of-the-mill stuff, but I seem to be the only sibling capable of doing anything at all. My brother was home all day yesterday and didn't do one thing. Bleh. I hate being the oldest sometimes.
So back the original point, it's 6:45am. It's daylight, but overcast. The moon is still high in the sky. I know you're out walking the streets to get to where you're going. Are you looking at the moon too? It gives me this kind of strange feeling of being closer to you, as though it would almost be easier to get to the moon, let it carry me to over your house and jump off, rather than fly there directly by plane. I warned you I was strange. Thank you for the gifts. I can't stop smiling. I've listened to them a dozen times over. Thank you.
Not much else to report - work sucks, being broke sucks, and being here sucks. 2/19/2003 06:48:00 AM
So back the original point, it's 6:45am. It's daylight, but overcast. The moon is still high in the sky. I know you're out walking the streets to get to where you're going. Are you looking at the moon too? It gives me this kind of strange feeling of being closer to you, as though it would almost be easier to get to the moon, let it carry me to over your house and jump off, rather than fly there directly by plane. I warned you I was strange. Thank you for the gifts. I can't stop smiling. I've listened to them a dozen times over. Thank you.
Not much else to report - work sucks, being broke sucks, and being here sucks. 2/19/2003 06:48:00 AM
Well it's Valentine's Day. I was going to write some rambly post about what he means to me. Right now, I can't be bothered. Sorry.
2/14/2003 06:37:00 PM
Is it possible that veins can just burst? The past few days inside my right ankle has been hurting, right along the vein. I mean it really hurts. It makes me sick in the stomach. I'm too big headed to go see a doctor anyway. So if you don't see me again, you know why.
There's this big gap right now, and I think there's only a number of things can fill it. I think it's my own laziness that's causing it. Hey, what can you do though? Other than get up and just do it. I can't ever imagine myself being what I want to be. I guess it's just hormones, and I'm depressed. I'll be fine next week. Maybe.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your surprise still makes me smile. 2/12/2003 09:49:00 PM
There's this big gap right now, and I think there's only a number of things can fill it. I think it's my own laziness that's causing it. Hey, what can you do though? Other than get up and just do it. I can't ever imagine myself being what I want to be. I guess it's just hormones, and I'm depressed. I'll be fine next week. Maybe.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your surprise still makes me smile. 2/12/2003 09:49:00 PM
I've been suffering with neck, back and ear aches all day and they're slowly disappearing. I'm exhausted from feeling sick all day, but I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. I'm cared for. I'm spoilt. I'm special. I'm lucky. Thank you for making me smile.
2/09/2003 02:07:00 AM
So, you know, don't answer the e-mail then.
2/06/2003 06:47:00 AM
It's time for bed. Well, maybe not. I napped for an hour this afternoon and I'm not sure I really feel like sleep. Then again I could probably spend my whole life in bed if I was allowed to. So I'm doing a bit of light reading while I wait for that feeling of sleep to wash over me. You know the usual - Feminism, Athesism, Evolution and Genetics. Just the usual.
I'm going to the dentist tomorrow to get fillings and an impression done for a new denture. Oh fun.
Anyway, back to the reading. 2/05/2003 08:43:00 PM
I'm going to the dentist tomorrow to get fillings and an impression done for a new denture. Oh fun.
Anyway, back to the reading. 2/05/2003 08:43:00 PM
I know, I haven't written. Today I'm really having trouble concentrating on what to say though. There's too much going through my head, way too much. I'll write soon. I will.
2/05/2003 08:24:00 AM
I was thinking about my childhood today. Remembering bits and pieces of it. I remember being in a lip-sync. competition at primary school. I must of been about 9 years old. My friend and I decided on "turn back time" by cher. Ahhh late 80s/early 90s music. Fantastic. So, it was decided that I would be Cher. So I got all dressed up in a black swimwear one-piece with a black jacket, and my mother teased my hair up to look faintly like Cher's in the film clip. I remember I had my photo in a local newspaper. My mother bought the prints, but they seemed to have disappeared.
There was another time where on a school project a group of four girls (including me) went to the local RSPCA refuge to interview some people there. A photographer turned up to do one of those feel-good stories about abandoned animals and how people should adopt them, etc, etc. So the photographer asks if one of us want our photo taken. The other girls told me that I should do it. "yeah, you do it Belinda". One girl had an ugly nose. Another was worried about her chipmunk cheeks. The last one was afraid about her long skinny nose. So I did it. I had my hair done nicely that day. So the photographer took the photo with me sitting with a puppy on my lap. Or maybe it was a cat. Anyway, those girls came to hate me for that photo. "We would've liked to do that photo you know".
I used to be able to do things back then. To win running races. To win competitions. To be popular. To be smart enough that others asked me for the answers. I went to high school then. I never felt any self worth there. I never felt like I was smart enough. I never felt like I was pretty enough. I never thought I was popular enough.
I remember the grade nine. There was a girl in year eight who I adored. She told one of her male friends that I was a model. He absolutely lusted after me then. I received love letters. He often badgered me to talk to him. I never really took any notice of him. He wasn't the guy I was lusting after, so I didn't really give him the time of day. Maybe I should have. He got the idea eventually and left me alone. The girl decided I wasn't cool enough because I was anti-drugs and alcohol. I remember a surfer guy with a cute friend who thought I was fantastic, and wonderfully beautiful. He was four grades above me. I never really gave him the time of day. Maybe I should have.
Would I go back to the days of awkwardness in high school? Probably. I'd love to be able to do the learning all over again and become something. Would I go back to the days of the lust and the crushes and the wasting my time on guys who didn't think anything of me? Absolutely not. All I want these days is to be able to love someone the way I want. To not be afraid to say what I say. To fall asleep in someone's arms. To wake up next to somebody. To have children with him. I guess that was the thing I was always after with the lusting and the crushes and the guys who didn't think anything of me. I'm not saying that my special someone of the moment is him, although I like to think that there's a high possibility of that. I just worry I guess. I worry that maybe he's another of these lusts these crushes these men who don't really think anything of me. I know deep down he's not. I know he cares. I know he really cares. I think sometimes more than he likes to admit himself. I guess that's what really scares me. A man who enjoys being around me, not just because of the way I look but because of my intelligence levels too. That I can make him hurt and I can make him laugh. That I can turn him. That we can argue until we're both blue in the face about something without either person seeing the other's point of view and he can kiss me, and forgive me, and hold me close, and whisper all those things I need to hear.
I know, this doesn't make sense. Let me point out that it's 3am in the morning. 2/03/2003 02:57:00 AM
There was another time where on a school project a group of four girls (including me) went to the local RSPCA refuge to interview some people there. A photographer turned up to do one of those feel-good stories about abandoned animals and how people should adopt them, etc, etc. So the photographer asks if one of us want our photo taken. The other girls told me that I should do it. "yeah, you do it Belinda". One girl had an ugly nose. Another was worried about her chipmunk cheeks. The last one was afraid about her long skinny nose. So I did it. I had my hair done nicely that day. So the photographer took the photo with me sitting with a puppy on my lap. Or maybe it was a cat. Anyway, those girls came to hate me for that photo. "We would've liked to do that photo you know".
I used to be able to do things back then. To win running races. To win competitions. To be popular. To be smart enough that others asked me for the answers. I went to high school then. I never felt any self worth there. I never felt like I was smart enough. I never felt like I was pretty enough. I never thought I was popular enough.
I remember the grade nine. There was a girl in year eight who I adored. She told one of her male friends that I was a model. He absolutely lusted after me then. I received love letters. He often badgered me to talk to him. I never really took any notice of him. He wasn't the guy I was lusting after, so I didn't really give him the time of day. Maybe I should have. He got the idea eventually and left me alone. The girl decided I wasn't cool enough because I was anti-drugs and alcohol. I remember a surfer guy with a cute friend who thought I was fantastic, and wonderfully beautiful. He was four grades above me. I never really gave him the time of day. Maybe I should have.
Would I go back to the days of awkwardness in high school? Probably. I'd love to be able to do the learning all over again and become something. Would I go back to the days of the lust and the crushes and the wasting my time on guys who didn't think anything of me? Absolutely not. All I want these days is to be able to love someone the way I want. To not be afraid to say what I say. To fall asleep in someone's arms. To wake up next to somebody. To have children with him. I guess that was the thing I was always after with the lusting and the crushes and the guys who didn't think anything of me. I'm not saying that my special someone of the moment is him, although I like to think that there's a high possibility of that. I just worry I guess. I worry that maybe he's another of these lusts these crushes these men who don't really think anything of me. I know deep down he's not. I know he cares. I know he really cares. I think sometimes more than he likes to admit himself. I guess that's what really scares me. A man who enjoys being around me, not just because of the way I look but because of my intelligence levels too. That I can make him hurt and I can make him laugh. That I can turn him. That we can argue until we're both blue in the face about something without either person seeing the other's point of view and he can kiss me, and forgive me, and hold me close, and whisper all those things I need to hear.
I know, this doesn't make sense. Let me point out that it's 3am in the morning. 2/03/2003 02:57:00 AM
There's a lot going on inside me right now, but I can't begin to think how to explain them to you. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to always stand on my own two feet. I'm sorry I disappoint you. I'm sorry I don't live up to the potential you think I have. I'm sorry I haven't written to you. I'm sorry I haven't taken the time to track you down. I'm sorry I didn't grow into the person you though I should. I'm sorry I'm not more like you. I'm sorry I can't see myself as beautiful as you believe I am. I'm sorry I can't touch your skin. I'm sorry not there. I'm sorry we're not as close as we used to be. I'm sorry I didn't see you. I'm sorry I'm not more confident. I'm sorry you misunderstood me. I'm sorry I misunderstood you. I'm sorry I'm clingy. I'm sorry I'm not smart enough. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Sometimes there's a kind of emptiness in me. A hurting void in my chest. A sinking feeling in my stomach. I wonder why I'm here. I wonder why I continue to stay in a place I don't feel any connection to right now. Why I'm not somewhere I think would make me so much happier. Why I'm in a job that doesn't feel like it's completing any purpose. 2/03/2003 02:32:00 AM
Sometimes there's a kind of emptiness in me. A hurting void in my chest. A sinking feeling in my stomach. I wonder why I'm here. I wonder why I continue to stay in a place I don't feel any connection to right now. Why I'm not somewhere I think would make me so much happier. Why I'm in a job that doesn't feel like it's completing any purpose. 2/03/2003 02:32:00 AM
Book mis-shelved in the war section at the bookstore - A Guide to the Woman's Body.
2/02/2003 09:39:00 PM
Whoever put me on the microchip that's circling in space oughta own up.
2/01/2003 11:00:00 PM