Well, I just spent too much money. I'm re-inventing myself.
"No matter what, I'll always care. I hate to imagine you not being around in some way or another" translates to "I'll just hang around on invisible, and use different names when you're around in the same chatroom and pretend you don't exist because I never really cared". It's just called "having a life" without me apparently. Call me a hopeless romantic, I like to be joined to the hip with people when I'm "seeing" them. Even though they don't call it seeing. Must be a serioiusly male thing. 11/28/2002 07:24:00 PM
"No matter what, I'll always care. I hate to imagine you not being around in some way or another" translates to "I'll just hang around on invisible, and use different names when you're around in the same chatroom and pretend you don't exist because I never really cared". It's just called "having a life" without me apparently. Call me a hopeless romantic, I like to be joined to the hip with people when I'm "seeing" them. Even though they don't call it seeing. Must be a serioiusly male thing. 11/28/2002 07:24:00 PM
So, I've come to a conclusion. Less time online, more time reading and writing, trying to become the person I want to be.
11/27/2002 09:29:00 PM
I had something interested to write sorted out in my head while I was driving home from work. Unfortunately for you I've forgotten.
11/26/2002 06:11:00 PM
Well, 24 wrapped up tonight. I have to say I'm a little disappointed that it's all over. No reason to watch television on Monday nights (from 8:30 to 9:30 at least). I really enjoyed that show. It's one of the few that I watch these days.
Did I mention that I've watched Spiderman 3 times. I totally love Tobey. Marry me, Tobey! Heartmended? No. 11/25/2002 10:19:00 PM
Did I mention that I've watched Spiderman 3 times. I totally love Tobey. Marry me, Tobey! Heartmended? No. 11/25/2002 10:19:00 PM
I've set up the "mail checker thing" on my ICQ. I'm so proud of myself.
11/25/2002 07:05:00 PM
If you too add the words "Kate Beckingsdale" to your site, you can increase your site hits by at least five per day guaranteed*.
*whilst the author is quite serious about the extent of site hit increases, she cannot be held responsible for any hits you may not get. the word "guaranteed" is used with permission from the Dictionary Trading Group and is used in the context of humour only. If you miscontrue the context, don't blam me.
11/25/2002 06:32:00 PM
I swear I meant to type in google.com, but ended up with blogger.com. My subconcious trying to tell me to update?
11/24/2002 07:57:00 PM
I'm going to sell my flu on e-bay. I think Osama should invest in this. Biological warfare anyone?
11/24/2002 11:41:00 AM
I've been reading over e-mails from an old lover and I'm not sure whether to feel relieved or depressed. Of course, being me, I'm feeling the later. I've never been quite so flat-on-my-back as I have with this "relationship" ending. I feel the absence like nothing else. Most of the time when we're "lusting" after someone we try and make ourselves believe that they're right. We look for the ways that they're the one for us. Why they'd fit in perfectly with the lifestyle we try and have. What about when you're looking for reasons to hate them, and all that there is, is all the reason why they're so right. The more I try and kid myself that he didn't really mean anything, and that it wasn't meant to be, all I can see is the reason why it was meant to be and how much it really did mean. And as you read about how much they care, you realise that they didn't really to let something so great slip away so easily. And you read about how much you meant to them, you realise that you mustn't have meant that much when they've gotten over it so quickly and given into your requests to stay away (when it wasn't really what you wanted anyway. you just wanted to see whether they cared enough to stick around). And they talk about how they love having someone to understand them, when all you ever did was boost their ego, and love them with every ounce of your being. And they talk about respect, but neglect to realise that all they've done is treat you like a fucking sex toy for nearly every weekend (give or take a few) for nearly a year. And they can't realise why you're upset, and that you talk about their commitment-phobia ("what on earth are talking about?"). And you can't help but love all the imperfections. You are attracted to this man in every possible way. He was one of the smartest people you ever met, along with one of the best looking and quite possibly the worst two-faced bastard you could ever hope to encounter. You think about the things you didn't tell him - about the other one you gave up for him, amongst other things. You can't help but imagine what your life would have been like with him. You wonder why you're so easy to forget, why the others are so important. You stuck beside them no matter, even on those lazy nights when he didn't want to talk, and he didn't want to touch you, he just wanted to lay beside you and think of someone else. Oh you knew he was thinking about someone else, you couldn't admit it to yourself (it was even confirmed later on). You sit yourself down and look in the mirror and say to yourself "Girl, if you don't get on with living, no-one will do it for you. You've gotta make what you want to happen, happen". You take a deep breath and tell yourself how it wasn't you, that it was him. You take another breath and exhale slowly, and get over him. You know you'll feel the pain again in the morning, but these few minutes that are tear free just before sleep make kidding yourself worth it.
11/24/2002 03:52:00 AM
Anyone got any ideas on how to flush someone out of your system? Heavy doses of alcohol? Perhaps food binges followed by extreme exercise? Perhaps a handfull of pills and a combination of cough syrup, cola and rum? All suggestions welcome.
11/24/2002 01:03:00 AM
So I'm a little depressed. Why? Five years since I graduated high school. I'm not where I expected to be. I could have a degree by now! Eyecurumba.
11/22/2002 06:12:00 PM
I'm so fucking sick of all you people!!
11/21/2002 09:56:00 PM
There has come a time when I'm ready to give up on everybody I once knew, and forget them. You run into people you used to spend a lot of time talking to, and you quite honestly can't be bothered straining to talk. And then there's three or four of them, all in the same place. They talk about other people you used to know, but don't really care to remember, nor did you ever bother to keep in contact with because quite honestly you couldn't be bothered to. And the people you once used to think the world about are no longer around, nor do they care and nor do they exist. The people you once knew have turned into the kind of people you hate, but you're not quite ready to admit it yourself, nor are you quite ready to accept it. You grit your teeth and try to bear the necessity of the chitchat, and you try-and-tell yourself that everyone goes through this. You tell yourself that there is always people you're going to come across, that'll hurt you and you won't forgive, or that you'll just hate them from the start. That you should just grit your teeth and put up with the crap because you're not the most important person in the world, and there's always things in life you hate and you can't always run from them. So you continue to grind your teeth to the gums and put up with the crap, and realise you're not the most important person in the world and you're okay with that, and you do hate a lot of things in life, in fact you hate life altogether but you can't be bothered trying to find anything that does excite you anymore because you're up to your ears in crap. And your heart breaks, and your tears fall. You realise that there's no-one you really care about anymore, and you wonder if it's all worth it. The pain, the tears, the hurt, the crap. You realise it's not all worth it. You find the ways to test the people who pretend to care, and realise they don't. You sit and think, and list everything you get happy about, get excited about, get passionate about. You realise there's nothing, nothing at all. You combine all the pills you have in your cupboard and think that maybe, possibly, these habitutory chemical can end it all. Right there, right then. You consider it. You consider throwing it all away. You realise that perhaps not feeling the pain, the tears, the hurt, the crap is worse than feeling it. So you grit your teeth and bear it. You meet new people and they make you smile the way the others used to. Then they turn into the people you used to know. You move on with life and realise you don't have to run. You can't always run. Sometimes it's better to just avoid the problems. It'd do you the world of good to heal, and to find those things that makes you happy, excited and passionate about. You decide to find yourself once and for all.
11/20/2002 09:07:00 PM
For all the men in my life.
11/20/2002 10:20:00 AM
Sometimes we all say the things we want to say, but don't mean. Sometimes we mean the things we say, but don't mean to say them out loud. Sometimes we never say the things we meant to, and kick ourselves over a chance passed. Sometimes we just sit in our worlds and refuse to say anything, refuse to function, and refuse to part of the world that exists. Sometimes we just can't give a damn.
11/19/2002 09:43:00 PM
I'm suffering from a heart that won't mend, a cold, and a bad case of "I-just-want-the-fucking-world-to-go-away" syndrome. How was your day?
11/16/2002 10:18:00 PM
11/16/2002 10:18:00 PM
I was gone and not one of you missed me. Shame on you!
11/16/2002 04:34:00 PM
You've become one of them. I really hate that.
11/16/2002 04:31:00 PM
Always the matchmaker, never the match. Always the (one who introduces her friends to her other friends and then they get along smashingly and they never need you again)group-introducer, always the loner. Always surrounded by bitching, and cursing, and verbal abuse. Always wanting to be elsewhere. Always wanting to be somewhere else. Happy? Eternally never.
11/12/2002 07:36:00 PM
So I was tempted to just pull the whole thing down. I mean, why shouldn't I? Anyway, I'll update sometime soonish.
11/10/2002 09:40:00 PM